My gay year.

Those who know me well know I’ve had one hell of a year.

After years and years of suppressing my feelings towards women I finally accepted it, embraced it and went with it.

But with anything in life, it was not what I expected. Perhaps because I’d dreamt about being with a woman for so long I romanticised it. Or maybe I was so fixated on what I couldn’t have it became all I wanted.

I was 100% convinced I was 100% lesbian. But I’m not. I’m probably 60/40.

The thing is. I love women and find them stunning, gorgeous, attractive. But being with a woman wasn’t what I imagined. I began to realise that actually, for me, it’s pretty much exactly the same as being with a guy.

The expectation didn’t meet the reality. And I didn’t find my woman. Instead I ended up dating guys and girls. And, inadvertently found my man.

This whole experience opened my eyes a little. Maybe, just maybe love isn’t based on sexuality but on individuals.

I was so quick to avoid looking ‘flakey’ and to identify as being a lesbian, as opposed to bi, because I was terrified of jumping from one camp where I felt like I wasn’t going to be accepted, straight into the fire of another.

In other words. I thought people would take my journey more seriously if I said I’m straight up gay. Not bi.

The thing is bi has a bad wrap. People see it as being ‘greedy’ or ‘confused’ and it’s just not the case.

People are also really keen to put you in a box so they can understand you better. But again it really isn’t that black and white I’ve come to learn.

Just like I truly believe everyone is a little gay, I also believe everyone is a little straight. So I think that’s what my gay year taught me. You don’t have to identify as anything. Do I see myself as being a lesbian – yes. Do I see myself as being straight – yes. Do I see myself as being confused – no, not anymore.

There’s actually nothing confusing about it. I’m attracted to women and men. Just in different ways. And just because that doesn’t fit into a box, doesn’t mean I should be ashamed or feel foolish for identifying as being gay. I am gay. But guess what – just like whatever you like to eat for tea or the type of people you enjoy spending time with doesn’t define who you are completely, neither does your sexuality.

I’m not just gay or straight, I’m both. I don’t just like Chinese food and Italian food, I like both. I don’t just enjoy hanging out with my girl mates, I hang out with guy mates too. Nothing is completely nailed on in this life. Including your sexuality.

But let’s be honest who really cares?

Love is love right. It has no gender or sexuality. And surely that’s why it’s so bloody great.

11 thoughts on “My gay year.

  1. You’ve come such a long way Ella! I know we’ve not caught up in ages, gone for a coffe during lunch or even a pint after work but I remember when you first started at Milestone and it’s lovely to see how well you’ve done. Mega proud of you. You go girl!
    I’ve always thought I was a bit of both too, being a Tom boy for years my folks always thought I was gay… thing is I always had boyfriends though… but really appreciate an attractive woman – sometimes catch myself staring! So I think you’re right, we’re all a wonderful mix of both, not black and white but a beautiful array of shades in between. Keep blogging Ella, we love it xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yaaas this is beautiful. I’ve honestly gone between periods of hopelessly falling in love with women (3 to be exact), mindlessly using Grindr to get as much dick from men as I can get, and sitting around as a lonely introvert over the last few years. Totally relate to all of this

    Liked by 1 person

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