And it can be hard to get it right. The thing is, if inwardly you hate social situations because you’re convinced everyone thinks you’re a freak – you’re pretty much on to a lose lose situation.
Historically that’s exactly how I felt. Strange, a bit odd and a kind of a Marmite character. I mean hell, some days I thought I was hilarious others I realised I was not so great.
But how do you combat that? You get all kinds of social anxiety – the person that keeps quiet and admires the person that stands out and vice versa. I’ve allways been the comedian. But was it fun? No, it actually felt pretty shit.
Being the loud, funny one, also means you’re the hugely insecure one that is constantly seeking approval.
So the only way to become less balshy and more genuinely happy is to cut the crap and learn to love the pros and cons of your character.
So, having learnt to love myself – in a healthy way (!!!)… here’s a run down of my major flaws and how I’ve learnt to feel comfortable with them.
1. I can’t stand not knowing. I literally like to know everything. This is a problem because you can’t know everything and yet it’s a problem if you don’t know something. I worked out I like to know stuff because it makes me feel in control and safe. But in doing so I was actually ruining the joy of spontinuity. To combat this, I began to not know things (genius), I basically stopped asking so many questions and you know what – it’s right what they say – ignorance is absolute bliss.
2. Trust. I have major trust issues. Not, the ‘shit you’re going to cheat on me’ kind of issues, but more – hmmm are you really telling me the truth though, really? Kind of trust issues. This basically resulted in me thinking everyone was a lying knob who couldn’t face honesty. Problem is – they’re not. Not everyone can be a knob. And, let’s face it, if you think everyone is a knob – chances are it’s you that’s the real knob.
3. I’m judgey. I’ve spent time around other insecure girls and we all have one thing in common – we love to downgrade and bash other women. What is that? Why do we do it? We’re literally all guilty of it. It pisses me off and I do it. So yeah be kinder to your sisters because you know what – it’s pretty tough being a woman, we should 100% have each other’s backs.
4. Keeping secrets. I’ve kept a few secrets away from everyone and that has made me scared of accepting the truth and being my true self. But you know what, you’re a knob if you underestimate people because once I opened up to my family and friends I realised how blessed I was to have such a strong support network.
5. Eyes wide shut. I’ve spent the majority of my life with my eyes shut. It’s only recently I’ve been able to truly appreciate the people around me. My life is jam packed with bloody brilliant people and I think that’s pretty telling. If these lovely people want to be around me and see the real me – warts and all – then I can’t be that much of an arse.
So, it comes down to this. You have a choice. If you decide to dislike yourself you’re going to be a knob because such negativity will seep out of you some how. But if you learn to love yourself, the people you enjoy spending time with will become happy to see you happy. I really can’t see how that kind of confidence can be seen as knobish – that is unless you’re being judged by a knob. And then does it really matter anyway? Nope, it doesn’t!