I just had the shittest week. I totally broke down. And there wasn’t a reason why. I’ve been freaking out over spiders. I’ve been paranoid about friends. I’ve felt lonley, scared and overwhelmed. And I haven’t told anyone about it.
I was so worried about letting everyone down that I did what I knew I shouldn’t have done and kept shtum.
The thing is when you have anxiety or depression or both. You kind of feel like you have to make excuses as to why you’re feeling shit. So you can justify why you feel bad to people.
If you’re open about it, then you feel so aware of people’s eyes on you. Waiting for you to fail, trip up or even to succeed and it’s like the pressure is really on.
But with any illness there’s going to be good days and there’s going to be bad. And then there’s going to be times when you just get sick of trying so hard all the time and it just all gets a bit too much.
That’s what’s happened to me. I’ve been trying so, so, hard and I’ve put a lot of pressure on myself as a result. I’ve wanted to prove that you can get a handle on mental illness with positivity and proactive thinking. And naturally I cracked. Because I can’t be happy all the time. And that’s OK.
I just need to learn how to be more honest with people about that. To make sure that I don’t feel like I’m letting people down because I’ve had a blip. And be honest and ask for space and support.
From the outside it looks like I’ve had a great week – from those on the inside it looks like I’m being stand offish – maybe even self obsessed and arrogant. It’s an act. The whole time I was working out how to cope without letting anyone down.
So how am I going to learn from my mistakes as a result of the shit week? Because I think it’s pretty obvious I’ve made some basic errors!
Keep being open and letting people in
Take some time for myself (as look has it I have a week off anyway – silver linings)
And book in a couple of sessions with my therapist.